BIG TIPS

She's 18, she's beautiful, and she's mine, but for how long?

by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone

Last weekend, having had enough of Jack Frost nipping at my ass, I was off to California to visit some friends. I've spent quite a bit of time in San Francisco, but this time I decided to head down the coast and check out Santa Cruz. I saw a few fat lolling seals, whom I envied, and my first live surfers, whom I did not. Second only in deliciousness to the sparkling company of my companeras, however, was having access to a decent burrito for the first time in a blue corn moon. We also went out for sushi, but I was appalled to discover that if a girl just wants a little broiled sea eel, or some ebi (and what girl doesn't?), she's forced to wade through a sea of macadamia nuts and basil: in California, every roll is a California roll. B.T.:

Here's hoping you can ease my troubled mind. I've been in a tizzy the past few weeks about my relationship with my lover. You could describe me as a plain-Jane lesbian of 40 years. My lover is 18 and is the bestlooking woman I've ever known. Her body and face are from the heavens.

That my girlfriend can have any woman she wants is one reason I feel insecure, but it's just the tip of the iceberg. You see, we met last year through a mutual (straight) friend. Although my girlfriend considered herself straight at the time, she was very curious about my lesbianism. One thing led to another and I became her tutor, so to speak. I introduced her not only to lesbian sex, but also lesbian culture and politics. We make love daily, but also spend a lot of time talking.

I guess my fear is that my girl will soon be ready to graduate to women her own age. I know of a few she lusts after already. Once she suggested I seduce a straight woman she finds attractive, presumably to prime the woman for my lover. I have only had four lovers in my life and know I won't find another as good as this one. Am I being paranoid, or do I have legitimate concerns? Teacher

Dear Mrs. Robinson,

Don't overlook the fact that you may be paranoid and have legitimate concerns. You are being insecure: she's as lovely as the day is long, and gravity hasn't been wreaking its compelling influence on her soft form as long as it has on yours, and she wants you. That should fill you with pleasure, and a smug sense of your attractiveness.

However, if you consider yourself her teacher or tutor, that's a role with a selfimposed time limit. The fact that you continue to consider yourself in that role indicates some unevenness in the relationship. It might give you more confidence if youmulled over what you learn from her.

There have always been people who have gotten together and stayed together despite great age differences, but they've had to buck both public opinion and the experiencial gap between themselves. An 18-year-old may not have the kind of informed support and compassion to offer when a 40-year-old is dealing with aging parents, or the idea of being halfway through one's life, and a 40year-old may not be as in tune with being at a point in life where almost every major decision has yet to be made. On the other hand, we live in a time and a culture that artificially separates people into narrow age bands, and doesn't create much opportunity for our support around mixing it up (although, ironically, since age is so feared and disparaged, it's considered a coup to be dating someone significantly younger).

I don't think it's an issue of her "graduating" to women her own age, but at some point, it may just seem like you're not meeting each other's needs: it could even be you who realizes this first. But how lucky you are right now! You have sex every day, and have a partner who loves to talk with you. It

sounds like you're having a wonderful time, and it's no less so for not being eternal. You never know what lies in the future for you— maybe there's a 62-year-old fox out there with some tricks to share.

Dear Big Tipper,

I'm sure this request has been made many times by people such as myself, frustrated by the inability to meet "someone special. "I've done a variety of things in the last year and a half (the time I've been out) to meet someone that I'd be interested in having a relationship with, but it doesn't seem to be working.

I've gone to just about every gay bar and gay-friendly establishment in the city, volunteered for gay-oriented organizations, and asked to be introduced to any gay man my firnds may know.

I'm reasonably attractive, a good conversationalist and listener, have a positive outlook and people frequently say I'm funny. But I must be doing something wrong. With the exception of a few lewd offers, I'm still without a date!

Short of placing a personal in this publication, which I don't think is the right avenue for me, I've all but given up on the thought of dating.

I'd like to hear your advice, and possibly success stories of others, so I'll know how to find someone nice to spend time with. Any suggestions?

Dear In Fate to Date:

Dateless in Ohio City

Sigh. All I can say to you is that it's just not as efficient as doggedly trying every store in the mall until you end up with the right pair of socks. You can do all the connectionmaking activities, and they may not be immediately fruitful, at which point I say: Just live your life.

Make sure the volunteer work and bars and dinner parties, the things you're filling your time with, are genuinely interesting, rewarding and sustaining to you, not just as a context for "shopping,” but as parts of who you are and want to be. Don't wait to do anything that's important to you. While you're living, don't forget to put energy into making and caring for friends: not only do they have friends to introduce you to, but they'll be there through the search, the discovery, the euphoria and heartbreak.

The only final note I can offer is, make sure you're not waiting to be asked. As much as it'd be dreamy to have someone else deal with the trauma of doing the asking, you need to bite the bullet, and do all the things you're waiting for. Bon chance. ♡

Send queries or comments to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland, OH 44101; or fax to 216631-1082; or e-mail ChronOhio@aol.com.

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